The Arts

Lately I have been having some strange ‘cravings’, if I can call them that. In the past week I’ve had the urge to do things like draw, paint, run, write, sing, dance and who knows what else. Maybe I need to express myself somehow. I suppose this ‘blog’ or ‘journal’ or whatever you would call it is some sort of expression, but at the same time I think it’s kind of lame. Lame in the fact that it’s so self-centered. Who cares about what I think or feel? Who really wants to read this? I get on average two to three ‘hits’ a day with the occasional day in the double digits (as in under twenty). I have no idea where these people come from unless they randomly find my page through a search engine.

Writing was something that I used to enjoy. I feel that my writing has become very… plain. There isn’t the ‘profoundess’ that there used to be but perhaps there just isn’t anything profound to talk about. Or maybe I just thought what I wrote before was interesting. I used to write not only for myself but for others to read as well. People that I knew actively returned to read my previous blog, commented/consoled etc and because so maybe it was more fun to write. Now I just write to get things off my chest for no one to hear and it’s not as rewarding.

There are no topics to what I write. At least no major topic. There are things that I won’t talk about on here that I’m sure would be interesting to some people but at the same time this is a public domain. Anything I write can be seen by anyone, anywhere. I do enjoy that though as at the same time I feel like there is no point in writing to yourself. Maybe to remember things and/or events but to express on deaf ears is not expressing at all.

I’m getting off topic. Like I said, I just need to ramble to get something off my mind. I feel like I’m being pessimistic even though I don’t want to be. My feelings can change so quickly. Little things remind me of different times. Little things chip away at me until I find myself needing to just walk away. Little things that probably wouldn’t bother me any other time.

Anyway, I should probably sleep. Last final exam for my first quarter of optometry school. This is my one exam that I really want to ace (and it’s possible) yet I haven’t done much to prepare for it. I feel guilty for not studying and at the same time telling yourself you want 100% is almost setting yourself up for disappointment. I worry too much. I need to relax. I want to live my life, not have my life decide how I live. And at many times I do… but there are times when you can’t ignore how you feel.

I’ll end this post now. I’m not even sure what I’m writing about.