Holiday Blues

I think I’m starting to get those ‘holiday blues’ people talk about. I’m sure it’s a combination of things happening lately. First of all we had a between-quarter break which was great and then the first two weeks of class and then another break for US Thanksgiving; also great. Then the next week I spent, I suppose, having fun and neglected to realize that I should actually do work while I’m at school. The first midterm goes by and I don’t do nearly as well as I should have. It reminded me of first term at Waterloo. Not so much the two hours of sleep a night and the stress of, well, UW, but more so the ‘I’m going to have fun and neglect everything else while my academics falter’. First semester at UW was a horrible experience that I vowed I would never want to experience again. Ever.

I suppose that this quarter gave me a small reminder of a time in my life I truly hated (not the fun, but the stress). Sure it wasn’t even close to what it was like four years ago but I feel like it was a tiny nudge to keep me focused. For about sixteen years of my life or so academics have been my life. When I look back on my life that’s really all that I have to show. It’s hard to tell myself it’s okay to get C’s no matter what. I’m used to putting my all into what I do. Academically that is…

Personally I definitely don’t. This small wake up call really made me want to get my shit together and get more organized. I feel like over the past week I’ve been pretty successful at getting my life a little more organized (as people have noticed with my PDA). At the same time I feel as though I’m doing what I always do: alienate my friends. I don’t even need a full hand to count lifelong close friends. I focus on something and I do it but to the sacrifice of those around me…

I’m sure to others it probably looks like or seems like I’m being indifferent lately and I probably have been. Of course I apologize for that. I guess I just needed a change: to get away from the ‘norm’ for a little while.

On top of doing relatively poorly on the first exam and having one of ICO’s regular crazy weeks I think I’ve got some ‘holiday blues’. I fly home on Friday and to be totally honest, I could care less. I feel as though going ‘home’, or as I like to call now, just ‘Calgary’, no longer exciting. Of course it’s always nice to see family and spend time with them but going ‘home’ is almost… a chore? 95% of my time is spent away from ‘home’ and so in all reality my home is where I am. To go to Calgary is really not going back to what’s normal but to something completely different from what I’m now used to. Calgary and all the people and things in Calgary change over time while I’m not there. Every time I go ‘home’ I feel less and less like I belong. Places look different, the city is different, it even just feels different. People are different. Friends and acquaintances change over time. To them they probably don’t notice because it’s gradual to them. I don’t even notice the changes in myself, the way I look, the way I act because it’s all been gradual. Atleast not until my family tells me…

I guess what I’m just trying to get off my chest is, if I’m acting different it’s probably because 1) I’m feeling like I need to get my life together, or 2) I’m not looking forward to the holidays and it’s just kind of depressing. At the same time, as I’m sure just like anyone else, I need to deal with my own personal issues and sometimes the best way is to just get away.

I hope to be back to myself after Christmas break…