Holiday Blues

I think I’m starting to get those ‘holiday blues’ people talk about. I’m sure it’s a combination of things happening lately. First of all we had a between-quarter break which was great and then the first two weeks of class and then another break for US Thanksgiving; also great. Then the next week I spent, I suppose, having fun and neglected to realize that I should actually do work while I’m at school. The first midterm goes by and I don’t do nearly as well as I should have. It reminded me of first term at Waterloo. Not so much the two hours of sleep a night and the stress of, well, UW, but more so the ‘I’m going to have fun and neglect everything else while my academics falter’. First semester at UW was a horrible experience that I vowed I would never want to experience again. Ever.

I suppose that this quarter gave me a small reminder of a time in my life I truly hated (not the fun, but the stress). Sure it wasn’t even close to what it was like four years ago but I feel like it was a tiny nudge to keep me focused. For about sixteen years of my life or so academics have been my life. When I look back on my life that’s really all that I have to show. It’s hard to tell myself it’s okay to get C’s no matter what. I’m used to putting my all into what I do. Academically that is…

Personally I definitely don’t. This small wake up call really made me want to get my shit together and get more organized. I feel like over the past week I’ve been pretty successful at getting my life a little more organized (as people have noticed with my PDA). At the same time I feel as though I’m doing what I always do: alienate my friends. I don’t even need a full hand to count lifelong close friends. I focus on something and I do it but to the sacrifice of those around me…

I’m sure to others it probably looks like or seems like I’m being indifferent lately and I probably have been. Of course I apologize for that. I guess I just needed a change: to get away from the ‘norm’ for a little while.

On top of doing relatively poorly on the first exam and having one of ICO’s regular crazy weeks I think I’ve got some ‘holiday blues’. I fly home on Friday and to be totally honest, I could care less. I feel as though going ‘home’, or as I like to call now, just ‘Calgary’, no longer exciting. Of course it’s always nice to see family and spend time with them but going ‘home’ is almost… a chore? 95% of my time is spent away from ‘home’ and so in all reality my home is where I am. To go to Calgary is really not going back to what’s normal but to something completely different from what I’m now used to. Calgary and all the people and things in Calgary change over time while I’m not there. Every time I go ‘home’ I feel less and less like I belong. Places look different, the city is different, it even just feels different. People are different. Friends and acquaintances change over time. To them they probably don’t notice because it’s gradual to them. I don’t even notice the changes in myself, the way I look, the way I act because it’s all been gradual. Atleast not until my family tells me…

I guess what I’m just trying to get off my chest is, if I’m acting different it’s probably because 1) I’m feeling like I need to get my life together, or 2) I’m not looking forward to the holidays and it’s just kind of depressing. At the same time, as I’m sure just like anyone else, I need to deal with my own personal issues and sometimes the best way is to just get away.

I hope to be back to myself after Christmas break…

The Arts

Lately I have been having some strange ‘cravings’, if I can call them that. In the past week I’ve had the urge to do things like draw, paint, run, write, sing, dance and who knows what else. Maybe I need to express myself somehow. I suppose this ‘blog’ or ‘journal’ or whatever you would call it is some sort of expression, but at the same time I think it’s kind of lame. Lame in the fact that it’s so self-centered. Who cares about what I think or feel? Who really wants to read this? I get on average two to three ‘hits’ a day with the occasional day in the double digits (as in under twenty). I have no idea where these people come from unless they randomly find my page through a search engine.

Writing was something that I used to enjoy. I feel that my writing has become very… plain. There isn’t the ‘profoundess’ that there used to be but perhaps there just isn’t anything profound to talk about. Or maybe I just thought what I wrote before was interesting. I used to write not only for myself but for others to read as well. People that I knew actively returned to read my previous blog, commented/consoled etc and because so maybe it was more fun to write. Now I just write to get things off my chest for no one to hear and it’s not as rewarding.

There are no topics to what I write. At least no major topic. There are things that I won’t talk about on here that I’m sure would be interesting to some people but at the same time this is a public domain. Anything I write can be seen by anyone, anywhere. I do enjoy that though as at the same time I feel like there is no point in writing to yourself. Maybe to remember things and/or events but to express on deaf ears is not expressing at all.

I’m getting off topic. Like I said, I just need to ramble to get something off my mind. I feel like I’m being pessimistic even though I don’t want to be. My feelings can change so quickly. Little things remind me of different times. Little things chip away at me until I find myself needing to just walk away. Little things that probably wouldn’t bother me any other time.

Anyway, I should probably sleep. Last final exam for my first quarter of optometry school. This is my one exam that I really want to ace (and it’s possible) yet I haven’t done much to prepare for it. I feel guilty for not studying and at the same time telling yourself you want 100% is almost setting yourself up for disappointment. I worry too much. I need to relax. I want to live my life, not have my life decide how I live. And at many times I do… but there are times when you can’t ignore how you feel.

I’ll end this post now. I’m not even sure what I’m writing about.

‘Yesterday’

There comes a point in time when you can be kept busy enough to ignore what’s on your own mind. Eventually it catches up to you. Sometimes it’s a revelation, other times it’s something you wanted to deny.

Today was one of those days. I came back down to reality. Classes are over and my days have gone from spending time in class and socializing in the cafeteria for hours on end to being buried nose-first in the books. It gives you a lot of alone time to think. To contemplate. To come to realization.

I question my motives, my actions, and even my feelings over the past month. Am I being the person I was before or am I avoiding who I used to be – ‘Used to be’… have I really changed at all? Am I trying to keep myself busy, both physically and mentally to keep my mind off things? Am I trying to fill a void or am I trying to bring something new into my life?

Coming to Chicago has in a ways has been a ‘fresh start’ in my life; in some ways expected, and others unexpected. I love it here and I love how I’ve spent my time but there is still part of me that lingers in the past. How do I bring all of myself to the present?

Take it one day at a time…

Lassitude

So I never did the breast cancer walk… unfortunately for my lack of time management I would either have walked it and failed my anatomy practical or studied. I studied. Hopefully next year I’ll get off my lazy ass and do it.

Every year I tell myself I’ll take up running and it never happens. I’ve been looking into the Nike+ system and for those that know me and know about my obsession with statistics knows that it’s probably pretty awesome to me. Then again, those that know me don’t know me for being the most ‘athletic’ of sorts. So why not? I waste my life sitting on my ass 90% of the time when in all reality I just want to get out. I love exploring, experiencing new things. Sure running in the winter will obviously comprise of a treadmill and stationary scenery but in spring, summer and fall – running can take you anywhere. It’s a freedom to explore on your own or with a friend and at the same time feel good about yourself. We all need our own time and we all need our own things to do in those times.

That brings me to another topic. Passions. I’ve met so many people here that I feel like I’ve known forever and yet at the same time I know nothing of them. A good friend of mine here has a passion for playing the piano. Albeit he hasn’t played in awhile as he just doesn’t have time to he is still amazing at it (despite his modesty). Music is something that I rarely enjoy these days (although I am slowly bringing it back into my studying) but I find music is something that can make or break your day. To have that talent to physically produce music with your own hands is, in my opinion, something that is very powerful. Everyone has a talent that is unique to them. To some it’s athletics, others it’s music, others it’s academics.

I’m still looking…

Giving Back

Lately I have been feeling like I should do something good for society. Something completely unselfish – something that is in some part contributing to the betterment of society.

A friend told me, during a time when I needed to talk to someone, to think about who I want to become and what I would like to accomplish. Even though most of my time has been spent studying for exam after exam, I think I have come up with a few things, albeit I haven’t written them down for easy reference…

Anyway, (I need to cut this short as I am exhausted and I have a long day tomorrow) I have been thinking of doing a walk for breast cancer. Five miles. I suppose it isn’t completely unselfish… I have to admit I would feel proud of myself for even participating let alone walk five miles, not to mention I would feel good about participating in something that is in good faith, instead of living life for myself only.

We’ll see what I end up doing. I suppose I either need the support or the push to do things. At this moment I feel like I can’t predict how I will feel about anything hour to hour. It’s a busy couple of weeks and to be honest, it’s been emotionally rough and confusing. There’s always something to look forward to though and little things throughout the day can make all the difference…

So does the company that you have along the way…

Overturned

It’s amazing how quickly life can change…

Sometimes you just gotta’ rough it out on stormy waters for awhile.

Management

Ugh. I really need to work on time management.

With all these exams so jammed close together with no end in sight until after finals it’s hard to find time to do anything else. Well, that’s a lie. I find time to go out with friends, mainly to go out to eat, but I don’t leave any time to keep up with other things, whether important or not, big or small.

I guess I’m still trying to find that balance. At the moment, my studies don’t seem to be detrimented by my habits – for now. As time continues and I slowly get behind it will build up and bite me in the ass. Not only will I not have time for friends but I won’t have time for myself.

It’s important to balance school and fun but I shouldn’t overlook time for myself.

Socialize

Oh school. So I had my first optometry exam and I don’t think it went well. I made a lot of stupid mistakes and unfortunately each question makes a big difference. Hopefully I can learn from that mistake though.

Anyway, I’ve been having a ton of fun at ICO. I love living in the RC (Residential Complex) because so many people from our class live here. It’s so easy to play a pick-up game of badminton (which we’ve played a lot of) and it’s awesome. It’s also so easy to just want to socialize. I guess I’m the kind of person that really gets pulled away from important things, like studying, to go see what other people are doing. Perhaps it’s still because everyone here is ‘new’; people I don’t know well. Everyday you learn something new about someone else and I guess that’s what makes it interesting.

Anyway, I should sleep… didn’t get enough studying done today so gotta make up for it later.

Energy

I don’t get it. For the past two days I have been exhausted and now I can’t sleep. I feel tired but just can’t seem to fall asleep. On possibly a related note, I have also been feeling like I should get off my lazy ass and do something physical. I feel like I’m going to die on the inside if I don’t change my lethargic habits. Almost to the point where I feel like I should actually get a physical… make sure I’m okay. I think the last physical I had was in 1994 or 1995 – something a long time ago. My chest kinda hurts occasionally too…

On an unrelated note: Only 21 more days until I’m off to Chicago. Getting kind of excited and kind of nervous. Not really sure what to expect/do getting into the US as a student or what to do about finances etc. etc. :P Excited to meet new people. I can be quie a talker sometimes too, which could be a detriment to my studies. Hopefully I keep it under control. Only five more days of work to go too – and one lunch meeting tomorrow.

I should try sleeping again…

Wrapping-up

Summer is quickly coming to an end. I only have nine more days of work to go, four of which are the next four days (I don’t work Friday’s in July :D, and I have quite a few days off the closer we get to August). I finish work in sixteen days and leave for Toronto (and then to Waterloo and eventually to Chicago) in about twenty-four days.

I should start thinking about getting myself organized so when it comes time to make the big step across the border with my “non-immigrant VISA”. As for finances, I am covered for school but for personal finances I’m in the dark. Apparently we will go over financial information for Canadians as soon as we arrive but at the same time I still wish I could have funds easily set up before I arrive. Unfortunately there aren’t any ‘TD Canada Trusts’ in Chicago (or the American counterpart: TD Banknorth). Not to mention I would sure like to exchange my finances when our dollar is at or slightly above par.

I should also clear off/organize my computer/external hard drives before I cross the border… which reminds me. My laptop hard drive has started to make screeching sounds of death as I hear the drivehead bounce around and kill my computer. It’s only happened twice but twice too many, so I wonder how long this computer will hold up.

On another topic, it’ll be nice to be in the US for shopping purposes… (minus duty :P) which makes me wonder how that works if you’re in the US for months at a time. I also wonder how cheap it is to travel within the United States. My friend Mike is in San Francisco/Los Angeles/somewhere in California and a patient at work mentioned they go to school in Los Angeles and it got me thinking that the Western United States would be pretty cool to see. Although there are a bunch of places I’d probably want to go, but just don’t have the time.

So in one month today, I will be finished my first day of optometry school and living in Chicago. It’s interesting how quickly life can and will change on you…