Appreciate those moments and realize how powerful that is to the human psyche.

I think of all the things I’d like right now, it would be to be with my closest friends.

I’m not necessarily talking about something hugely life-altering, drop what I’m doing, change the world kind of thing. But rather those little things that give you some perspective on life. Things that make you sit back, think about who you are, where you are, what you do… and appreciate all that you have.

The first was a link my brother had posted on Facebook awhile back of a clip from The Great Dictator where Charlie Chaplin is in character giving a phenomenal speech overlaid to clips of, well, humanity.

The second was just today while folding my laundry, I went to YouTube to see if I could muster up something to watch. My brother, once again, had mentioned something about a series by Carl Sagan he was watching while he did some work. After inputting ‘Carl Sagan’ into YouTube I came across the following series. If you’ve been following or know me well, space and exploration is something very near and dear to my heart, a love that sadly is hard to fulfill. The Sagan Series was produced by Reid Gower to pay tribute to the late Carl Sagan. His seven part series is an overlay of stunning imagery of Earth and it’s inhabitants with the narration of Carl Sagan’s Pal Blue Dot a non-fiction novel inspired by the photo of the same name taken by Voyager I. He touches on many aspects of humanity and our own attempts/failures on the quest for knowledge, exploration, our solar system and our vision of our future.

Please enjoy. (7 parts, 28 minutes, best enjoyed in 720p)

The Sagan Series

What I’m not used to anymore is waking up at 6AM. It always seems that I can go to bed at the same time no matter how early I need to get up. If I can somehow figure out how to force myself to sleep earlier when I bed to get up earlier, mornings would be so much nicer.

Then maybe I won’t feel like a sloth all the time…

So what else is new… I’m starting to get better. I can’t remember what I mentioned before about my being sick but I ended up put on an oral antibiotic as well as an antibiotic eyedrop. Not exactly 100% yet, but pretty close. Then again, when do I ever feel 100%. This is my fifth day off work and I really don’t have much to show from it. I relaxed a lot to try and recover (as well as passed out when I couldn’t help it due to exhaustion) while watching a lot of Alias on my computer. Great show.

On Saturday, Sep. 10th I ran a 9.11KM race in memory of those who lost their lives on 9/11/01. I probably shouldn’t have in my condition but I already paid for it and I was supposed to be running in memory of someone who lost their life that day. I don’t run much in Las Vegas because it’s way too hot so this was only the second time running outdoors here (third if you include the treadmill once). Surprisingly I ran it a little quicker than I expected, so that’s a plus. On the 11th a lot of old friends and colleagues back in Chicago ran the 15th Annual Chicago Half Marathon. A year ago to that date I ran that exact half marathon for my first ever half. I remember how much of a struggle it was and how accomplished I felt at the end. All the posts on Facebook about it makes me really want to try to run another half someday. Ideally I would love to be able to run the Chicago half again just to see how I’ve improved (if I improved at all). Running a half marathon was always my ‘end goal’ in running. Never did I expect to run a half in under two years of running. I still stand by my statement of not wanting to run a full.

Yesterday I worked on my case presentation on a case of interferon retinopathy for work this week. I’m the first to present a case so I’m not really sure what to put together… but it was a good feeling to get at least a draft done. A big weight lifted off my shoulders. Seems miniscule to the thought of having exams and homework not more than half a year ago of which many good friends back at ICO are still going through.

It kind of saddens me to think I’m missing out on the on-goings at ICO, even if it’s the usual day to day activities of people studying in the library, eating in the cafeteria, or just passing by in the hallways. There’s a sense of family away from home that I get from ICO. I would love to have been at school during the academic year when most people are around. I always loved it when the new class arrives, to help them out, to get to know them. I loved seeing the underclassmen/women become second years/third years and see their abilities and confidence improve. No longer do I get to witness that. I’d love to go back at some point, but sometimes I think I might be elevating what I think it’s like to a higher standard than I should be.

An old friend once told me that it’s not the city you miss, but the people in it that made your experience what it was. So when you go back and the people have changed, your experiences will change. He’s probably right. Either way, I feel pretty ‘homesick’ from Chicago, even though it really isn’t my home. For those that know me well, they know that I really don’t get homesick at all. It’s a little strange to feel this way, but in some ways I feel that I spent the majority of my life in Chicago/at ICO, even if it were only three quick years. I’ve spent the prime of my 20′s at ICO, in Chicago, in the United States of America. Yes, I miss Canada and I am extremely proud to be Canadian and will never deny that, but some part of me feels very comfortable here. Then again, I’m here as a student. Where I live is always transient. I don’t have all the full responsibilities that one might have actually settling down somewhere.

In a completely unrelated topic, hockey season is about to start! Last night I got to watch the first of the Young Stars Tournament where my team, the Calgary Flames (although filled with prospects only) played the San Jose Sharks (also prospects only) to which they got destroyed, 6 to 1. Nonetheless, it was great to watch some hockey again. A little weird when I realized I was living in a desert watching a winter sport… I really miss ‘weather’. Not this, sunny and hot all the time kind of ‘weather’…

Anyway, I have nothing in store for the day, just like most days. So off I go to crawl through the day and hopefully it remains a good one.

What ended up happening was I got Chicago for the summer so I didn’t have to move, I ended up with Las Vegas, East Providence, RI, and Newington, CT (6 cold months on the East Coast). Wasn’t really ideal, but having summer in Chicago helps not having to move and also keeping my job for awhile longer. Having the two East Coast sites helps me save some time and thus I have time to travel for Part 3 of NBEO.

But what it’s come down to so far is the fact that I hate this place. Well, hate is a strong word, I don’t hate it. I just dislike it a lot. Yes, Las Vegas is fun – if you’re willing to spend money like you invented it. I’m sure there’s lots to do here but it’s all catered to those wanting to come into the city for a weekend to live like they were rich or dying really soon. The rest of the time it’s too damn hot (at least for me) to want to do anything outside. I want to run, I want to bike (still debating buying one), I want to go hiking, etc. but the heat just zaps the life out of me.

I avoided the mountains when I picked my site because I felt like I had lived by the mountains most of my life and needed to experience something else. I wish I didn’t listen to myself. More and more I wish I had almost all my sites in Colorado, Utah, Montana, somewhere near the mountains. I like to run, hike, explore the outdoors – not that I have much in my life, but a desert is just a place that’s not really conducive to that in my opinion. I like greenery. I like fresh forest smells, the sound of running water. Here is just dust. I want to take up road biking, perhaps dip into road racing or duathalons for fun.

I like more temperate weather. I would prefer to be cold than hot. I don’t want to rely on air conditioning to get through the day or even the morning commute. I like wearing jackets, I like layers. I want to ski in the winters, maybe even try cross-country. I like variability.

At least this gives me an idea of what kind of place I’d like to live. So far: Mountains > Midwest > Southwest/Tropics/Florida > Deserts. Soon to explore the East Coast, unfortunately no West Coast opportunities to experience…

31 States, 5 Provinces and 3 Territories to go until I’ve been to every ‘division’ in Canada and the US. Not really sure why I wanted to keep track, but just a fun little thing to keep track of anyway. Especially since I’ve never left North America (in fact, haven’t even been to Mexico… which is still technically North America.) I realized I hadn’t updated the ‘About’ page here in awhile. It really doesn’t say anything but keeps track o where I’ve been. Either way, it was fun to update it since I hadn’t in about a year! I added 9 states, one of which I currently live in now. Hopefully I will be able to add more soon. Perhaps on my long trek to Rhode Island!

Anyway, I am perhaps getting a little settled into my new place in Las Vegas. We’re already a third done this quarter’s rotation I believe – or at least very close to it. At the same time I feel like I’ve been not settling in just because if time flies like it has been, soon I’ll be out of here and on to the next challenge!

Not much has changed over the past couple weeks. Had a fun filled long weekend as two friends came in from out of state. First thing we did was jump out of a perfectly good airplane! It was amazing! Expensive, but definitely worth the thrill (and video of my first skydive ever!). We did the touristy thing and visited the Hoover Dam, explored The Strip and checked out Fremont Street. A great weekend, but tiring!

More tiring though since I’ve been sick for just under a week or so. Not really sure with what… but eventually I lost my voice and I’ve been without it for about two and a half, going on three days. Tomorrow is back to work after the long weekend and I’m not sure if I’ll have my voice back. I’m not sure how that’s going to work. Not being able to vocally communicate with others is pretty tough. Luckily, although to the apparent detriment of my vocal chords, I can still whisper. But even then, it’s still tough.

On a completely different topic, I just had a conversation with an old friend on the topic of plans after graduation. In nine months I’ll be done school and the real world awaits. Honestly, I’m scared. I don’t know where I want to work or even know how to go about doing so. I’m a Canadian in the United States under a student Visa, which means if I have nothing planned after graduating I get ‘booted’ out of the country. If I have a job lined up, if after my year ‘trial’ period is up, if I’m not happy with it, I still get ‘booted’. I could go for a residency (which is something I’m interested in) but if I don’t match – booted. I’m limited to non-government (no Veterans Affairs/IHS) residencies as a Canadian too. I’m not particular to anything specific about where I want to live. Perhaps an inkling towards living near the mountains again. But I’m stuck in a terrible situation – the “I don’t really care” situation, as one put. It’s not that I don’t care, it’s that I’m not opposed to many things. (Although I do now know that I never want to live in a desert… too hot.) I keep coming back to these issues but I keep pushing them off. The longer I push it off, the closer it comes to having to deal with it. It really worries me…

Anyway, here’s a picture of me during my very first skydive!

My first skydive! Surprisingly I was way more excited than nervous! I had that huge smile on my face the whole time!

I am a proud owner of a Marine Blue 2011 Subaru Forester 2.5X Limited ‘Rugged Package’ complete with new car door paint chip. I drove my new car from Chicago to Las Vegas, roughly 1800 miles (~2900km) partly with two friends on their way to Colorado. It was a long drive but I honestly can’t imagine not having a car for externships, especially in Las Vegas!

The Las Vegas VA is my first rotation and although it is part of the Veteran Affairs it’s not a hospital but rather a smaller specialty clinic. Coming from the school’s clinic it’s a big change, not only how we do exams, but patient demographics, stuff you see, etc. But the biggest change is how many patients you see! Going from 3-8 patients in 12 hours to 12-20ish in roughly 7 hours. I’m starting to really enjoy it as I’m beginning to get used to it. Luckily I also had some of the more easy going attendings first.

As for Las Vegas, this is a crazy city that really isn’t me. As much as I love the opulence of many of the hotels and how everyone is dressed up super fancy for no reason, it’s all so fake. 95% of these people are here for the weekend and don’t live their lives dropping money like they have it. Don’t get me wrong though, you don’t have to spend a penny to be entertained in this city just people watching. From the regular tourists, the high-rollers, the pretending to be high-rollers, the bachelorette parties, the throngs of drunken cocky 21 year olds, the rich old people re-living their youth, everyone trying to get you to go to their strip club, and of course all the stumbly drunk girls… many who aren’t all that half bad to look at. I could spent hours just people watching and in fact, I have.

As for gambling: I told myself I’d try a little bit but now that I’m here, it’s really not that appealing to drop your money on the table and lose it. Also, gambling is confusing haha. I’m sure some people do pretty well when they know what they’re doing, but as someone who has no idea, I’m not going to spend my time trying to figure out or pretend how. I like to guarantee my earnings, although winning money isn’t something I’m opposed to.

So anyway, instead of spending my money gambling, I’m spending my money on food and shows. Although the food I’ve cut back on as that spending tends to skyrocket fast! I went to see Love last night and Mystere tonight both by Cirque-du-Soleil. Instead of paying the full $123 and $180 respectively I got some sweet deals for some really awesome seats for both; paying just under 50% for both total.

There’s a whole bunch of other shows I want to watch here and a whole lot more hunting for discounts! The one show I have to see before I leave is Phantom which is an abbreviated/modernized version of the original, but nonetheless the closest I will come to seeing The Phantom of the Opera besides traveling to London, although I suppose I will be close enough to New York to catch the original Broadway production. If I’m ever in London though I’ll be sure to see the original original!

I think I take things to heart a little more than the average person. If I do something wrong, something stupid, something I shouldn’t have, or even an accident, it’ll linger with me all day and basically ruin it.

Lately I felt as though I had slowly been becoming more confident in clinic right up until about midday today when I feel like all that gained confidence went out the window. Today had been a unique day in clinic where I got to do a rarely done procedure called Dilation and Irrigation where we basically temporarily enlarge the punctum (drainage ‘hole’ in the eyelid) and insert a device to force saline through. Always a nerve-wracking experience bringing something sharp and pointy close to someone’s eye so having it gone relatively successfully I think is pretty good in my books. I was pretty excited.

Then I had a pretty routine patient, but for some reason I did something stupid… nothing to harm or endanger a patient of course, but I just wasn’t thinking. Of course I got reamed about it and then subsequently about every little thing, even if it wasn’t my fault (we have some attendings who feel as though it’s their right/the best way to educate is to belittle student clinicians/make them feel like shit about everything they do). So nevertheless it bothered me more and more as the day went on. Oh well, there are worse things in life.

It brings me to a thought though, about how part of me would like to teach at some point in my life. As I go through the last parts of my clinical education, I’ve picked up on things that work and don’t work from the student perspective. I feel like the older the educator is the worse they are at educating, at least for the most part (there are some exceptions, including one professor who I have to admit being my source for wanting to teach – albeit, he acts pretty young for his age… which isn’t that old.). Younger newer doctors seem to relate more to the students and are far more encouraging and receptive to what students need to learn. Older doctors seem to go with the, “You didn’t do this right, time to pull off the belt.” approach. This may have worked in the 60′s when child abuse was hunkey-dorey (I’m making this statistic up) but that’s why most of you have probably turned into cynical assholes who don’t know any better than to be negative about everything. I’m sorry your life sucks, maybe you should do something about it. Then of course there are the exceptions of young docs who are just as cynical as the old, but these ‘educators’ as they so-call themselves with their one-day-a-week “preceptor” position whose sole purpose of the shift seems to show all the students how smart they are. No shit. You’ve got 15 years of experience and have seen more patients than we will ever see before we graduate. We’re here with you for you to help us become better clinicians, not be told how stupid or inefficient we are. Sometimes people forget the word “constructive” when they use the term criticism.

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve probably learned a lot from any time my attending doctor has reamed me for something I’ve done and hopefully I’ll never do it again, but there are definitely better ways to get people to learn from their mistakes. I guarantee that if you were to poll students, the majority of them will say their best attendings were residents because they not only spend the time to teach you new things and how to look at each case from different perspectives, but because they are genuinely nice people to interact with.

Something every optometrist should be. Not an asshole. And especially not a closet asshole who paints on the happy face in front of their patients… but don’t get me started on that.

I’ve only been awake for just over an hour but today is one of those days that just seems like it’s starting out perfectly. Beautiful sun peeking through the blinds, fresh air coming in that’s not too hot or cold with tiny birds singing to their heart’s content. That and I got a pretty good sleep so it seems!

Music, as I’ve said many times before, has a big influence on my mood too. For a couple weeks my phone hasn’t been able to use Pandora very well and kept dropping connection so I had been having music-less mornings lately. Today it worked, and is still working, and Pandora has just been playing all the right music!

So, time to finish up my breakfast and run out the door! Let’s hope the rest of the day is fantastic!

I had been looking forward to this summer all of last year as I felt like I would be so much more ‘free’ with my time. Lately I have actually had a little more free time than usual (hopefully that doesn’t mean I’m forgetting something) and now that things are slowing down for me, responsibility/work related that is, I find myself just wanting to relax – have some “me time”. But, at the same time, I’m going to have a lot of that over the next nine months when I leave here.

Maybe I’m just selfish. Perhaps I only want to do things on my schedule or way… I don’t like the sound of that and I would hope I’m not as self-centered as that sounds, but, it could be possible. Anyway, these moments seem to happen each summer. And each of those times I do something productive or in this case, I did a lot of running and biking. Yesterday was over 17km for no reason. Just randomly got up, went for a run and never stopped for almost two hours. Why? No idea. Then today: had just showered, got half dressed, sitting in front of my computer and just randomly decided to go for a bike ride. Ended up going over 40km… I ran out of bike path to ride on so I turned around. Pretty decent for it being the second time riding in many many years. I don’t even own my own bike.

I think all this might stem from the fact that I feel like my summer is not what I imagined. I tend to be a big dreamer. It all starts with a spark in my heart and mind and it blossoms into this grandiose story in my head that I expect to unravel before my eyes. But then it doesn’t. To busy, conflicting schedules, failed plans… Of course, some of that fault can lie on my self.

Well, instead of being an open therapy session for the whole internet to read, what else is new? Soon I will be a car owner and have to deal with grown-up things like insurance, rent, bills that aren’t tuition with everything else lumped into it. Fun!

This hasn’t been the usual upbeat post I prefer, so I’ll cut it short. Perhaps the next will be more exciting.